Thursday June 16, 2016
Who has the strength? I am now feeling very weak and have lost most my strength. It has hit me pretty hard today. I now have so many mixed emotions. Moving, and remodeling and having a ton on our plate all at one time has me feeling as though I can’t keep up. I feel overwhelmed. Too many responsibilities seem to continue to stack. All I can do is embrace each moment with grace and to not fear. Moment by moment, inhale peace, exhale frustration. Things will get better.
2 Corinthians 4:16 “Therefor we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man in being renewed day by day.”
Weeks now have gone by non-stop moving and loading. Monday we finally closed on our house and we began the kitchen remodel. We are now without a kitchen until next week. I also started taking a corticosteroid pill Monday to help reduce the severity of fluid retention and any allergic reaction I may experience during and after my treatment. What I forgot about was that the steroid would keep me up all night and that I was to take a sleep aid.
Tuesday was my first chemo treatment appointment. I was a bit nervous yet knew it was all going to be fine. My medical oncologist said younger people tolerate the chemo drugs just fine and if you feel anything different than just how you are right now you let us know. Beginning the IV, I was given pre nausea medicine and a bag of IV fluids. This small process took about 30 minutes or so. Next, came my first bag of chemo called taxotere. I glanced over at Lenny and looked into his eyes. His eyes filled with tears and I also began to cry. For some reason I was overwhelmed with emotion. I was just about to have poison enter my body and I wanted to jump up and run out. Why is this happening to me? How did I get cancer?
Just about 10 minutes into the taxotere my stomach started to cramp and I felt sick. Lenny went and got the nurse. She stopped the IV and we had to wait for about 30 minutes until the additional Zofran kicked in and I was ready to go again. The taxotere took about 2 and half hours, going back and forth from feeling sick. Next on board was a second chemo drug called Cytoxan. I, again, got sick and was given Benadryl and some more anti-nausea medicine. I stuck it out dozing in and out for the next 2 and half hours with this drug. At the end of the treatment I was glad to be done but felt awful. As Lenny drove me home I began to experience chest pain and my heart hurt. As we arrived home I started to feel a bit better and kept moving about hoping the toxins wouldn’t settle too hard.
That night, I slept much better than the night before. I did wake twice and thought I was going to throw up. I took the anti-nausea medicine and it helped. Wednesday was productive. I didn’t feel too bad at all. I could tell my body was a tad off but I accomplished more painting and some other projects throughout the day.
Today is a whole different story. I was told the side effects would come as soon as Friday (not Thursday) and here I am wishing I had one more day and hoping tomorrow doesn’t make me feel any worse.
I am dreading the upcoming side effects. I feel depleted of all energy and don’t know how much worse it will get. The muscle aches and pains have started. Please continue to pray that I will receive great strength through our Lord and that He continues to comfort my family and me through this time.
The following paragraph is Lenny’s writing that I wanted to share with you.
As a family, some things can get overwhelming at times. The baby crying, the meals not planned, out of coffee, finding only one of your shoes while the other is under the bed where the baby thought it was best, then out the door and late for work. But then THIS! We don’t have time for THIS. What is THIS? What is THIS doing to my wife, to my children, to me? I never considered THIS could be in a person like my wife. I don’t want to say it by name, like giving it power or giving it validation of the dark power it has. THIS holds the power of fear, the power of uncertainty. I see the fear in my children’s eyes. They are not quite sure exactly what THIS will mean but what they do ask is, “Mom, are you really going to lose your hair?” and “Mom, you will be here next year right?” THIS is evil. This is not what we are about. To fear THIS is like giving a key to an evil stranger and giving them the controls. As soon as this happens then THIS will have all the power. To fear, to be upset, angry, and mad toward THIS is normal. So what do we do from here but take this walk of life. I can’t take this from my wife and how I have pleaded and begged to take this from her and take it myself. I know God only knows that my wife is such a better person than I am. My feet bleed taking this walk knowing that my wife is going to put her body through the hardest marathon she has ever done. The ups and downs, the smiles, the tears, and the victory at the end I will be by her side. She will win a medal of gold, no Olympic medal could even match. So we will take control and give it to God. Oh, Lord take my keys, take my life, do what You want and I will serve You. I will not fear. I will stand next to her. I will sit next to her and read her favorite books and hold our children when they want to be held but secretly I need their hugs, too. God take THIS and make THIS what You want it to be. THIS is CANCER and cancer is not going to change our faith, love or our happiness. Life does give us bumps but GOD gave us a 4WD. God gives us love, grace and mercy. There is a plan for us. Sometimes we might not understand or might not take the time to try but when we stop and really listen to what God is saying then we will have a sense of peace with God’s plan.
2 Timothy 1:7
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”