April 25, 2016 Hurry up and Wait

April 25, 2016 Hurry up and Wait

I’ve taken a break for almost a week. It’s as if I studied for exams, took the exam, barely passed; because I didn’t fully prepare and then just stopped studying because I was done. I know there is a long road ahead still but I felt it necessary to take a break from researching and preparing. That’s all I have really done in every moment I can to prepare myself and ask necessary questions. I hate the feeling of not being prepared. Now its just a hurry up and wait game.

 

Since everything has gone by quickly, I have finally had the time to digest what is happening. I have experienced the overflow of emotions. I have been able to have a bit of an idle mind to say the least. An idle mind can be the devil’s workshop I’ve heard. After the first pathology report came back and I heard my cancer is the most aggressive and had spread to my lymph nodes , I’ve had a gripping fear that this cancer might take my life. I’d be a lair if I said I was ready to leave this Earth. I know my biggest job here is to be a Mother of my three beautiful children. They need me and I will continue to be here. When these thoughts have flooded in and the fear of the unknown takes a strong hold upon me, I take a moment to breath. Breath in and out. Breath in and out. Big breaths in and out. After much needed breathing and praying I am always calmed with a peace and reassurance of understanding. I am constantly reminding myself God has chosen me for this experience and I have the support and strength through him. “ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13.

Strenthens Me Verse

Now I’ll start once again diving back into research and reading. I feel being more prepared and educated takes this fear of the unknown away. Not one of us are promised tomorrow but we are given the chance to make the best decisions we know how. I will meet with both my medical and radiation oncologists on May 3rd. I will know the exact treatment and plan then. We will have the OncoDX results back as well. This test will have the biggest deciding factor on if I receive chemo in addition to radiation and hormone therapy.

 

Since surgery last week, I have had the support of such wonderful friends and family volunteering with meals, offering rides, caring for Charlie, whatever I need they say I just need to ask. It has gone beyond words how appreciative I am of everyone’s generosity. I am learning just how to allow others to physically and emotionally support me. I am one who even when I may need help I tend to still try to be independent even to a downright stubbornness. What I feel I have needed most is just to be able to express my feelings in conversation to someone. I even have a hard time doing this, as I know I would feel much like I am complaining and just need to put on my big girl pants and deal with what I have. It’s a bit of a struggle being able to not hold in my feelings, but I am learning to let others in.

 

I am healing well and have much bruising. I can use my left arm to hold Charlie and do almost everything I need to do. My right arm, armpit and side are still sore. I was sick off and on over the weekend, however I believe it’s the pain meds still warring off. I still continue to be dizzy off and on but otherwise I feel good.

 

Hope you all have a wonderful week ahead and I will leave you with this. Girls are made more than just sugar and spice. Breath in. Breathe out. Stand with confidence. Take control. There is no time like the present to realize that if anything is keeping you from living a happy and fulfilling life, you can overcome it. Prevail. Empower yourself. Beat it. Kick ass. Fight like a girl.

Comments (8)

  • You are the toughest girl I know!! You will prevail with God by your side. The example you are providing for your children, family, and friends is indescribable. It is ok to let others hold you up when you feel weak. That is why the body of Christ exists and why friendships are so important!
    Love you and praying for healing and peace!

  • Thank you for being such an inspiration. Praying.

  • Tara, I pray for you daily. I pray that you will have strength and peace to ride the wave of this time. Lean on the Lord, that is what he wants us to do. You really are such an encouragement to all of us who read your updates.

    By His Stripes we are healed!

  • Sending love and prayers! We are with you!

  • Your an inspiration. Stay strong.

  • Praying

  • Tara,
    My heart feels pain for you and my eyes tear reading your words. This has to be hard, but your courage, logic and faith impress me. You can do this ! You are not alone we all send our prayers and positive thoughts your way!

    Love you all !
    Janet

  • Tara, I wish I had known on Sunday just so I can give you a big hug!!! Prayers for your rapid healing and your family support! I would really like to help in any way I can. Would it be helpful if I could help with the kids for a play date anytime, or happy to babysit anytime always. I would just love to help anyway I can so please PM me, if you need anything at all. I know I am not 1 to ask for help either, but this past 2 weeks, when I was really sick and gave in to ask my neighbors for help when I really needed it, I was thankful.

    It’s always ok to ask and we will be there to help with anything you or your family may need. Please ask!!! Always with love and friendship! I have hardly had a chance to talk with you and yet I feel so close to you as friend once I realized our connection through friends and our wonderful 2nd grade girls who are buddies. 💛 Blessings and prayers.

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