April 25, 2016 Hurry up and Wait

I’ve taken a break for almost a week. It’s as if I studied for exams, took the exam, barely passed; because I didn’t fully prepare and then just stopped studying because I was done. I know there is a long road ahead still but I felt it necessary to take a break from researching and preparing. That’s all I have really done in every moment I can to prepare myself and ask necessary questions. I hate the feeling of not being prepared. Now its just a hurry up and wait game.

Since everything has gone by quickly, I have finally had the time to digest what is happening. I have experienced the overflow of emotions. I have been able to have a bit of an idle mind to say the least. An idle mind can be the devil’s workshop I’ve heard. After the first pathology report came back and I heard my cancer is the most aggressive and had spread to my lymph nodes , I’ve had a gripping fear that this cancer might take my life. I’d be a lair if I said I was ready to leave this Earth. I know my biggest job here is to be a Mother of my three beautiful children. They need me and I will continue to be here. When these thoughts have flooded in and the fear of the unknown takes a strong hold upon me, I take a moment to breath. Breath in and out. Breath in and out. Big breaths in and out. After much needed breathing and praying I am always calmed with a peace and reassurance of understanding. I am constantly reminding myself God has chosen me for this experience and I have the support and strength through him. “ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13.

Now I’ll start once again diving back into research and reading. I feel being more prepared and educated takes this fear of the unknown away. Not one of us are promised tomorrow but we are given the chance to make the best decisions we know how. I will meet with both my medical and radiation oncologists on May 3^rd. I will know the exact treatment and plan then. We will have the OncoDX results back as well. This test will have the biggest deciding factor on if I receive chemo in addition to radiation and hormone therapy.

Since surgery last week, I have had the support of such wonderful friends and family volunteering with meals, offering rides, caring for Charlie, whatever I need they say I just need to ask. It has gone beyond words how appreciative I am of everyone’s generosity. I am learning just how to allow others to physically and emotionally support me. I am one who even when I may need help I tend to still try to be independent even to a downright stubbornness. What I feel I have needed most is just to be able to express my feelings in conversation to someone. I even have a hard time doing this, as I know I would feel much like I am complaining and just need to put on my big girl pants and deal with what I have. It’s a bit of a struggle being able to not hold in my feelings, but I am learning to let others in.

I am healing well and have much bruising. I can use my left arm to hold Charlie and do almost everything I need to do. My right arm, armpit and side are still sore. I was sick off and on over the weekend, however I believe it’s the pain meds still warring off. I still continue to be dizzy off and on but otherwise I feel good.

Hope you all have a wonderful week ahead and I will leave you with this. Girls are made more than just sugar and spice. Breath in. Breathe out. Stand with confidence. Take control. There is no time like the present to realize that if anything is keeping you from living a happy and fulfilling life, you can overcome it. Prevail. Empower yourself. Beat it. Kick ass. Fight like a girl.