Yesterday afternoon I got a call from my surgeon. She had received my MRI results. She said she the MRI came back as normal and that my lymph nodes looked good, then she said “but” there is a “spot” that we need to look at further. She said it is more than likely nothing, however, “We need to jump through one more hoop to make sure.” So far this is the only results I have heard back.
Setting up all the appointments Monday they had blocked out a time for me this Thursday just in case there was anything further that needed examination. I go back to the Breast Care Center at Lutheran tomorrow at 10am to have an ultrasound of the spot. If need be they will do a biopsy immediately following the ultrasound. Hopefully that will not be needed.
I have been patiently waiting for my genetic testings. I called again yesterday to follow-up even though my PCP said she would call me when the results were in. It has now been 3 weeks, when I was told 2 weeks. I hope to receive those results before the end of the week.
As I continue to do research it is my choice if I decide to have a mastectomy or a lumpectomy. If the genetic tests came back positive I would be highly encouraged to have a bi-lateral mastectomy and an oophorectomy. At this time I personally would like to keep my breasts and research says the combination of a lumpectomy and radiation is more aggressive than mastectomy without radiation. According to statistics lumpectomy with radiation has only a 6% chance of the cancer ever returning. I do believe it is a tad bit higher if you carry the gene. Given only what we know right now, I feel comfortable going ahead with a lumpectomy.
Life has seemed to change so quickly recently. God chose me to have this cancer and for what reason, I may not ever really know. What I do know is he is showing me what really matters most.
I do know I am going to allow this experience to build my relationship with God. I will put my faith in him as he knows the plan that is ahead of me. My Pastor calls what I have been experiencing an awakening.
An awakening can be considered something similar to what a new believer who is saved experiences when they truly accept Jesus as their savior and are ready to surrender their life to God.
I grew up knowing the facts about God. I have been raised a Christian and a follower of Christ. It wasn’t till my Junior year in college that I fully understood the meaning of allowing Jesus into my life and accepting him as my savior. Lenny had invited me to his church TNL (Tuesday Night Live) and I accepted Jesus.
Its not as though I have ever fallen away from God. Its just been recently that I started to fully surrender my life to him. Everything seems to becoming more clearer. I feel his presence more in me. When I read in my “Anything” study, that we are to love God more than we love people, I felt I was not on track. I have loved God for many years but to love him, “with all my heart, soul, and mind” (Deut. 6:5) was not what I was doing. I questioned what that would be like to love God with all my heart, soul, and mind. Wow, it seems so powerful yet so amazing and I wanted to be able to do just that. As Jennie Allen stated, “I loved God, but I loved un-invisible people more.” I fully understood this and felt I could relate. I had all my love wrapped around the people who mattered most in my life, as I will also continue. But what did it mean or what would it look like to love God more. All I could do at this point was to continue to pray and ask God to teach me how and to help me stay focused on him.
Its easy to get off track as life gets hectic. There is always a busy calendar full of activities and to do lists. Its been a learning process for me to include God in everything and not just when I need him. I am constantly reminding myself, I must let go and let God in. It helped for me to look to him as a person not just an invisible God I turn to when life gets hard. A person I can talk to, love, and respect. He is someone I have decided to spend more time with to build and learn from and can hurt with. He is someone I must choose over anybody else, over anything else. He knows everything about me and my life and I must decide to let him in and surrender to him.
There will be hard days and easier days that come and I am trying not loose my focus from him. Just as I have to make time for all the mundane things in life I must make time for him. I am however talking to him and praying for him to be in my heart and with me every step I take. I have chosen to take that huge step in faith and to surrender. I do feel that in situations that would have caused me stress just a few months ago, I have a sense of comfort and peace. I use to feel my life was busy and hectic and in a sense overwhelming. These were the times I would cry out to God for help. Now Im sure my life is even more hectic however I feel at peace and take every step with confidence that He is right by my side. I am not saying I don’t get stressed but it (my heart) has changed dramatically.