Its been exactly one week since my diagnosis. Together as a family we are managing just fine. Nothing has changed for the most part. I still am expecting a call to tell me everything was a mix up, it still doesn’t seem real to me yet.
The children continue to ask some great questions. They’ve asked me if it hurts, how did I get cancer, will I loose my hair, and does it make me sad to have cancer. They have actually taken the news alright. Both Lenny and I are trying not to make it a big deal. Austin takes things very personal and when Lenny is gone for work, Austin tries to take things upon himself. That first day of knowing was hard for both of them at school. I told them if they needed to speak with their teacher or the school counselor then that would be fine. I want them to have someone they feel they can confide in.
Telling them of course wasn’t easy and both found out at different times. I ended up telling Bailey in the car as I got off the phone with my doctor, she was the only one with me (and Charlie too). We were on our way to pick up Austin from Lacrosse practice. I looked at Bailey and told her that was my doctor and she said I have cancer and please don’t worry I am going to be just fine. She broke into tears and I held her hand. I tried to explain this was going to be an experience but we all will get through it together. I told her it does sound scary even to me but we shouldn’t worry. Right away, she asked me if this was the same cancer Aunt Elaine had. She was concerned I might die and I had to explain to her I won’t. She knows cancer can kill people as we recently attended Lenny’s Aunt’s funeral in January who passed away from breast cancer. I let her know many people also live and get passed cancer. Our Nana is a breast cancer survivor.
Next, was calling Lenny. It just didn’t seem real, he answered and I calmly told him the results came back as cancer. His voice dropped and said, “I am so sorry Tara. I am going to be home in a few days and cant wait to hug you.” I wanted so badly to have a hug from him right then. My children however filled that need as I hugged them both with all my heart. Telling Austin after lacrosse was hard as Bailey told him right away that, “Mom has something to tell you!” After telling him he just kept saying, “No, no, no.” All I could do was hug him and tell him, “Everything will all be ok.”
That night I took the time to talk and pray with the kids as they both were visually upset. I read James 1:2 to them and let them know we should consider this a joy as it will all allow us to build a strong faith and stronger relationship with God. It was a great time to talk about how we need to live a life surrendered to God, where we are obedient and focused on him. Although we pray as a family every morning and night I felt I wasn’t being as focused on him as I need to be. It was through prayer that I have been redirecting my control and focusing on God’s will and God’s plan for me.
Tomorrow I meet with a new doctor. She is a general surgeon. I hope to learn a lot more of the road ahead.